Press Releases
Vets Journey Home in Milwaukee - Graduation Invitation
Click on the link above for a flyer you can print.
The graduation/welcome home ceremony is at 4:00 pm at the Center for Creative Learning. Please invite others to join you!
Back to the Top
Vets Journey Home returns to Milwaukee August 2008 
Vets Journey Home returns to Milwaukee August 22-24, 2008. This weekend seminar for military veterans is focused on emotional healing of the wounds of war.
For more information, click on the headline above.
Back to the Top
Taking It Lightly - course lectures ebook
This ebook contains a summary of the Taking It Lightly lectures. It is designed for graduates to review the information from the weekend. However, it can be valuable, helpful information for anyone.
Back to the Top
Vets Journey Home in Houston Chronicle
Vets Journey Home graduate and staff member Jay Velasquez makes news in the Houston Chronicle
Back to the Top
Step Into the Light - Intensive for Taking It Lightly Grads only
This weekend intensive takes one to new levels of personal responsibility and joy. For more information click on the headline to download the pdf file.
Back to the Top
Walking in the Light 2008 - Intensive for Taking It Lightly Grads only
This advanced, spiritual weekend is for Taking It Lightly grads only. Click on the headline to download the pdf file with details.
Back to the Top
Dancing In DeLight Returns in 2008!
This creative encounter weekend - an opportunity to explore your creative self and have lots of fun - returns to the Center June 20-22, 2008. Click on the headline to open the pdf file with more information.
Back to the Top
Business Training Brochure
Click on the link above to see our professional development brochure, listing clients and topics available.
Back to the Top
Booksigning for Patricia's new book - Speaking of Success
On September 11, 2007 a booksigning will be held at the Barnabas Business Center. To see invitation, click on the link below. RSVP is required.
Book Signing Invitation
Back to the Top
Speaking of Success is Available for Sale!
Patricia Clason's new book Speaking of Success is now available for sale. To see more info click on the link above
Back to the Top
How to Write a Great Press Release
A valuable article by Joan Stewart on How to Write A Press Release
Back to the Top
Patricia and Emotional Intelligence make the news!
A thorough article on Emotional Intelligence in business, featuring Patricia and the Center appeared in the Ozaukee News Graphic and the Waukesha Freeman. Download the pdf to read (best read at 137 - 200%).
Back to the Top
Patricia contributes to Event Planning Guide
Patricia's How to Use a Professional Speaker and Meeting Box Essentials checklists are in the Mequon Theinsville Chamber of Commerce Event Planning Guide. Download the pdf for the Guide.
Back to the Top
Affirmations Article
A reprint of Patricia's "The Affirmations Technique" - an article on how to utilize affirmations - is now available. Just click on the icon!!!
Back to the Top
Article on Ethics/Patricia Clason in News Graphic - March 2003
The wind chill is below zero, you're at the video store and everyone else has the same idea. It's so much easier to park in the drycleaner customer-only parking spot than walk all the way from the back of the parking lot. After all, you'll just be a minute.
Is it unethical to take a spot earmarked for another business? After all, the owner of the drycleaner is trying to make it easier for his customers so he can make a living.
The answer depends on your own value system, according to Patricia Clason, director of the Center for Creative Learning. The center has been providing personal and professional development programs since 1983.
"What do we value? What is important to us?" Clason asks. She encourages people to, "identify what they really value and then live and work congruently with those values."
Clason uses an ethical type indicator as a personal assessment tool that reveals a person's ethical type. It helps people identify the underlying principles they use in confronting and resolving ethical or moral dilemmas.
Clason, who opened the center 25 years ago, has been teaching ethics for 12 years.
She offers a practical guide to business ethics seminar on Wednesday at the Center for Creative Learning.
She originally started teaching ethics to funeral directors who had a continuing education requirement that dictated they take ethics classes. She has since broadened her scope to include classes tailored to all kinds of professionals including social workers, insurance professionals, real estate agents and stockbrokers, among others.
Clason says there are several major factors, particularly on the Internet, that are causing us, as a society, to look closer at ethics today.
"We don't have a precedent for what our behavior should be. Over half of the Web sites are pornographic websites," Clason says. "Family values have changed in the last 50 years. We have changes in family structure - more single-parent families, blended families, teenage-parent families. We've had changes in diversity - the minority is fast becoming the majority.
"All the issues in corporate America are causing people to think more, talk more, about ethics. The terrorism issue has us asking ourselves what is important to us." Clason says.
Another factor influencing the increased discussion of ethics is the growing perception of a gap betwen morality and the law.
"We've attempted to regulate behavior with law. It's not law that governs behavior - it's our values or our ethics," Clason says. "We have insane laws, everybody is breaking laws all the time."
David Slicker, president of D.S. Solutions, Inc. an information technology consulting firm in Mequon, says strong ethics are the foundation of his business.
"As a consulting organization the only thing I have is my reputation," he says. "Also, as a smaller company most of my business is gained from referrals.
"I am in multiple companies that have the same products. As an outside consultant I have to have strong ethics; I'm privileged with confidential information," Slicker says.
Slicker believes that being ethical is not only the right thing to do; it also makes good business sense.
"Because of word-of-mouth referrals I don't have to rely on costly marketing and advertising," he says.
In addition to the ethics presentation, the Center for Creative Learning offers a variety of other workshops and classes. "Taking it Lightly" is a weekend course which encourages participants to "move out of survival, into aliveness" by accepting personal responsibility for their lives. "Positive power plays - dealing with difficult people" encourages participants to unlock success by redefining cooperation, telling the truth and learning to negotiate.
For more information and a class listing, contact the center at (414) 374-5433 or visit its Web site at www.lightly.com.
Back to the Top
Coaching article featuring Patricia Clason 1/3/2003
From the January 3, 2003 print edition
Milwaukee Business Journal
Demand increases for coaches to guide executives, small firms
Becca Mader
About four years ago, Krause Funeral Home in Milwaukee underwent a transition in ownership from one generation to the next. President Mark Krause took over the business from his father and two uncles and felt confident he had an experienced management team in place to handle the change and shepherd growth.
Yet, he also believed both he and the business would benefit by having an additional person on the sidelines to coach them in setting goals and staying on task.
So he turned to Patricia Clason, owner of Accountability Coaching Associates in Milwaukee. Clason, a registered corporate coach since 1997, acted as an objective sounding board and support system for the eight-person management team, which is a mix of family and nonfamily members, Krause said.
Clason had previously worked with the Krauses by providing a communication program for the funeral directors through her Center for Creative Learning, a professional training development firm in Glendale.
"As you grow, there are different issues you have to contend with," Krause said. "I don't know if she has the magic answers, but she helps facilitate the thought process in figuring out what you need to do."
More people in the Milwaukee area like Clason are entering the executive coaching field as more company executives and small business owners seek the service.
Demand for executive coaching has been booming, said Joan Lloyd, owner of Joan Lloyd & Associates, a consulting and training firm in Wauwatosa. Within the past year, the number of requests she's received for executive coaching has increased by 80 percent. Coaching accounts for 20 percent of her business.
An executive coach is an outside expert who is hired to help an individual or group to build skills, overcome challenges or reach goals. Clients also look to coaches for help in improving communication skills and integrating leadership training.
"It is becoming more acceptable," Lloyd said. "People are starting to realize it's not meant for someone who's failing."
Some employees have viewed their employer hiring a coach for them as a punishment for unsatisfactory performance. However, with more executives requesting the services for themselves, the negative connotation is disappearing, coaches say.
"Tiger Woods has a coach," said Wendy Fritz, owner of Wendy Fritz Consulting L.L.C., which provides executive coaching and consulting services. "It shouldn't be a signal of weakness."
Skirting 'fix-it' mentality
Coaching is often confused with consulting but there is a distinct difference, executive coaches say. Though consultants can provide coaching, consultants often enter a situation with a "fix-it" mentality whereas coaches provide a helping hand and empower people to take the appropriate steps.
"A coach leads, guides, recommends, supports and encourages," Clason said. "Coaches don't do the fixing like consultants do. Just like in football, the team goes and executes it all."
Coaches are often called in to serve as an objective third party to help executives or managers work through challenges or conflicts.
Coaches often have left corporate executive positions and have received additional training, from organizations such as the International Coaching Federation, a professional organization in Washington, D.C., or Coach University, run by CoachInc.com, a training company in Steamboat Springs, Colo.
"They don't want someone to judge them but they want help to think of different options," said Bob Weiss, a personal and business coach and owner of R.J. Weiss Consulting in Brookfield.
They also might be asked to help a new executive or manager who may possess the technical skills but may have shortcomings in leadership or communication skills.
Coaches also may provide guidance to a leader who is thrust into a new position.
Karen LeSage, now a part-time public relations specialist at Froedtert Hospital, Wauwatosa, found Lloyd's presence helpful when she was asked to take the interim leadership role in a non-clinical department with which she was unfamiliar.
Lloyd helped her assess the needs of the staff and "served as a gentle observer," LeSage said.
Throughout a three-month period, Lloyd helped develop leaders and stayed to assist the new vice president who was hired.
"Coaches are very effective change agents," LeSage said. "They have no hidden agenda."
Small business owners also reap the benefits, namely in confronting unexpected business issues or simply setting goals.
Organizational skills
Krause has worked with Clason for the past three years. He said that, since starting the coaching sessions, Krause Funeral Home has experienced a 25 percent growth in the number of customers and revenue.
"It has helped me with my organization skills as the company has grown," Krause said. "It's helped our employees achieve the goals they're looking for."
Clason specifically helped each member of the management team identify their strengths and weaknesses and set a goal on how to improve upon them.
The coach and client determine how often they will meet, whether it will be over the phone or in person and how the sessions will be structured.
The first meeting is usually free and coaches will often make an initial assessment as to the client's needs, goals and expectations. Subsequent sessions might include data collection or interviews with a client's colleagues, customers and managers. The third phase includes the coaching sessions themselves.
Coaches might meet every couple of weeks or once a month, depending on the client's needs. Coaches charge per hour or offer a package deal, including a certain number of calls, e-mails and in-person sessions, said Rey Carr, president and chief executive officer of Peer Resources, a educational corporation in Victoria, British Columbia, for coaches and mentors, and a member of the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches. Rates average between $250 to $500 per hour, he said.
Coaches should have a background in the corporate world, as well as coaching and counseling skills, in order to bring value to the relationship, Lloyd said.
Clients need to be open, willing to be coached and ready to be held accountable.
The challenge for coaches is to stay out of the "fix-it" mode, Clason said.
"As a coach, we try to get clients to think on their own and that's what the challenge is — to get them to figure out how to solve problems," said Pam Browne, president of the International Coaching Federation's Milwaukee chapter and a business and life coach with NorthShore Coaching in Mequon.
The Milwaukee-area chapter has 24 members. Nationally, the federation, which includes a variety of coaches, has about 5,500 members.
But the impact on clients is often quickly realized in terms of quicker and better decision-making and greater confidence, which improves not only the individual but also company as well, Carr said.
"The best coach is someone who helps a person coach themselves," Weiss said. "It's a growing and transformative process."
© 2003 American City Business Journals Inc.
arrowWeb reprint information
All contents of this site © American City Business Journals Inc. All rights reserved.
Back to the Top
Coaching Article featuring Patricia Clason
Coaches advise professionals, entrepreneurs
Robert Mullins
Professional career coaches don't quote Vince Lombardi, chew people out in the locker room, or make clients jump through an obstacle course of tires.
But they do help motivate people to win.
"She is a constant source of encouragement," said Milwaukee business owner Jennie Aiello of her coach, Patricia Clason.
Aiello hired Clason to coach her as she moved her home-based business, Custom Cuisine, into a storefront in December 1998. Custom Cuisine prepares a week's worth of healthy gourmet meals for people to reheat at home, one meal per evening.
Clason's business is to help Aiello's business prosper.
"They just want a different set of eyes," said Clason, owner of Accountability Coaching, Milwaukee, of her clients. "I become that objective third party who listens and can say, `Have you considered this, have you considered that?'"
Career coaching is catching on in the Milwaukee area and the nation as a form of business consulting. Coaches serve small business owners, middle managers, or top executives. They help clients succeed at their jobs or decide to quit them. They guide clients through the start of a small family business or give them advice on how to balance work and family.
Membership in the three-year old International Coach Federation, Angel Fire, N.M., has doubled every year to reach 1,800 members, said spokeswoman Amy Watson. She said there are an estimated 10,000 coaches worldwide.
Need advice
The coaching practice grew out of the corporate downsizing of the past decade that forced dislocated workers to review their career options, Watson and others said. Also, the growth of entrepreneurship is creating new small businesses whose owners need advice. Another group seeking coaches is young people moving into high technology jobs in new cities where ties to career mentors don't exist.
All those professionals need someone to turn to who will support them and prod them to excel. The sports coach analogy fits, said Clason.
"A coach evaluates the strengths and weaknesses of team members. He finds a way to have them complement each other. Helps them build a strategy for playing the game, critiques their mistakes, acknowledges their successes and urges them to continue," Clason said. "That is exactly what I end up doing with my people."
Clason meets face-to-face with her clients once every three months and talks by phone with them about once a week. She charges $250 a month. According to the International Coach Federation, fees range from $150 a month to $500 a month and beyond.
Coaching has been popular for a half dozen years in high tech areas in California, Arizona, Colorado, or Massachusetts, said Ginger Stuckemeyer, owner of ThunderCreek Coaching, Greendale. Milwaukeeans have picked up on coaching by reading about it in national newspapers and magazines.
"Milwaukee is just beginning to get the word on coaching," said Stuckemeyer.
The growing demand for coaches has prompted corporate trainers, consultants and other human resources professionals to adopt the "coach" approach.
"Everyone is calling themselves a coach," Stuckemeyer said. "But it requires a lot of hours of coaching to be a professional certified coach."
Attending Coach U
The Coach University is a virtual campus through which students can complete 36 courses in the field of career coaching, said the International Coach Federation's Watson. Course material is distributed by the university through telephone conference calls and the Internet, she said. The federation also has a certification program offered to coaches who have completed the course work and have worked a given number of hours in the profession. Certification applicants must submit detailed case studies of clients they have already coached, Watson said.
Clason serves as a sounding board for Aiello's fledgling catering business. Aiello is too busy making food and filling orders to take the long view of where she wants to take her venture.
"I'm busy running the business so I can't afford a staff and I can't afford a marketing person," Aiello said. "I don't know how to pull it all together. She is so smart in terms of knowing what to do next."
For example, a review of Aiello's client list revealed that a lot of them were health care professionals. She wanted to further penetrate the health care market and Clason gave Aiello the contact people at health care employee newsletters where she could advertise.
Clason's coaching role differs from that of a consultant, she said. First of all, consultants are typically hired by a corporation to provide a solution to an organizational problem. But a coach deals one-on-one with an employee or business owner. Also, a coach doesn't tell the client what to do, but guides them through the process of deciding for themselves what to do.
The coaching relationship also has a unique structure. After an initial assessment of the client's situation, the coach and client set specific goals for the client. In each subsequent meeting with the client, the coach determines what goals have been met and why other goals were not. A different set of goals is agreed upon for the following meeting. The coach prods the client to keep to the action plan.
"I'm an unfocused guy. She keeps me focused and on track," said Joe Schlidt, a small business banking consultant based at the Wauwatosa branch of M&I Bank.
Schlidt hired Clason to help him balance his bank job, a side public speaking business, and his young family.
Clason also is coach to Blue Rose Digital Graphics & Design, a Grafton graphic services firm. The business has four partners, all related to one another and in need of an outside voice.
"For a small business person, it helps to have an outside person to share goals and objectives with and keep an eye on the bigger picture," said Laurel Kashinn, founder and co-owner of Blue Rose. "(Clason) helped us achieve our goals when we had been involved in day-to-day fires you had to put out."
Jo Hawkins Donovan, president of Hawkins Donovan & Associates, Ltd., has been coaching in Milwaukee for five years. She sees her coaching role as building up the client's strengths rather than dwelling on their shortcomings.
"I'm not going to encourage someone who is 5-foot-2 to try out for the Bucks," she said.
Likewise, she will help a client assess their strengths and see how they can be used to improve their current job situation or find another.
Often clients are people who are muddling along in a job they've grown unhappy with. They come to her when they decide its time for a big change. Encouragement is often the greatest service the coach provides.
"I really believe in my clients and sometimes that is the greatest gift," Donovan said.
© 1999 American City Business Journals Inc.
Back to the Top
Discovery Channel - Emotional Health
How to Create Emotional Health
By Bobbie Lieberman
The intimate connection between body, mind and spirit has been known and honored in Eastern medicine for millennia. But only relatively recently have we begun to see that emotional health is directly connected to physical heath. Now we know: Neglect your emotional and spiritual health, and sooner or later it will take a toll on your physical body.
Thousands of studies (demanded by the Western cultural paradigm) have proven the mind-body connection. The human body is no longer seen as a machine whose breakdowns are random events. Depression is a risk factor for heart attack (and vice versa); anxiety can provoke digestive and skin disorders; self-centeredness may increase your risk of stroke or heart disease.
Your emotional health also shapes your ability to succeed "out there." According to researcher Daniel Goleman, author of the groundbreaking book "Emotional Intelligence," your "EQ" is a more accurate predictor of your ability to "succeed" in life than your IQ, a phenomenon he refers to as "emotional literacy."
Detoxify your body of toxic emotions
Beyond physical vitality and personal security, there is an even deeper imperative calling us to pay attention to our emotional health: ultimately, the deepest satisfaction—or greatest misery—comes from our ability to live authentically, deeply and intimately with others. If we neglect our emotional development, we run the risk of isolation as we grind ourselves ever more deeply into cyclic patterns of blame/guilt, hostility/shame, anger/self-hate and other toxic emotions. As a wise friend of mine once remarked, "It is difficult to walk through doorways with a chip on one's shoulder."
Four Myths About Emotional Health
* "We're only supposed to feel good."
* "I'm the only one who feels this way."
* "Most people don't have problems."
* "I can work through it on my own."
"We take life very seriously, and get hung up in our dramas," notes Patricia Clason, founder of the Center for Creative Living and a personal-development workshop leader for the last 17 years. Her weekend course, "Taking It Lightly," helps people identify their "unfinished emotional work," and move through it to a place in which natural joy and lightness of being can re-emerge.
What You Can Learn from War Veterans
For war veterans in particular, emotions of guilt, shame, grief and inadequacy come up as "old wounds," observes Christan Kramer, director of the Bamboo Bridge, a weekend emotional-healing workshop for Vietnam and other war veterans.
Most participants show up carrying their baggage of skepticism and cynicism, wrapped around the belief that our country has discounted the value of the service they gave and, in some cases, reviled them upon their return. In the workshop, they are able to purge a great deal of the pain and emotional distress they've been carrying, reports Kramer.
Bamboo Bridge, whose courses are offered to veterans free of charge in eight Midwestern cities, is a three-step process: First, recognize the need for change; second, take action; third, recognize that change itself is a process; emotional transformation doesn't always happen overnight. There's still more work to do.
Coaching as a Vehicle for "Courageous Conversations"
While self-awareness is often accelerated in a group environment, often the next step toward greater emotional clarity is to continue into a more focused, one-on-one relationship with a counselor, teacher, mentor or coach. In recent years, this specialized way of furthering one's career, relationship and spiritual development has come to be known as coaching.
Kevin Buck, M.F.T., a founding member of Partnership, Garden Grove, Calif., describes coaching as an ongoing relationship designed to help people produce more fulfilling results in their personal and professional lives. It is not psychotherapy. "In most therapy, the starting point is dysfunction. Therapy focuses on fixing a problem. In coaching, the starting point is the client's desire to better oneself personally and professionally. What it's really about is having courageous conversations."
What Are the Possibilities When You Work with a Coach?
* You take yourself more seriously.
* You take more effective and focused action immediately.
* You stop putting up with what is dragging you down.
* You create momentum so it's easier to get results.
* You set goals that you might not have done without your coach.
What happens as you gain emotional intelligence? You learn to identify your emotional "triggers." Perhaps the most toxic of all emotions are anger and hostility, for they rob us of peace of mind and the ability to think and act clearly. Hostility can literally kill you by repeatedly stressing your cardiovascular system with a flood of stress hormones designed for brief "fight or flight" encounters.
How Can You Overcome Your Anger?
One way is to "reframe" your anger. Get to know it. Do some inner research, and find out the real "story" behind it. Perhaps, as a child, you were never allowed to go somewhere that was dear to you, and you are still holding deep anger for your father or mother. Your cells hold the memory, and every time a similar incident comes up, you get triggered. You may need to go back and, as Kramer says, "collapse the dysfunctional belief system" that is limiting your possibilities. This may mean letting go of your long-standing resentment and forgiving your parents. Remember, forgiveness is letting go of the need or desire for someone else to apologize for the hurt we suppose they caused us.
Paul Gard's participation in the ManKind Project (formerly known as New Warrior's group) in Indianapolis, helped him "see how my lack of understanding of my feelings put me in situations that I did not deal with in a healthy way, both in day-to-day life and in my relationships. For instance, if I was angry, I might blame you for my anger, whereas now I realize that you may be tapping something for me that is historical, or you may be breaching a boundary I have not set."
In the past, "I might have engaged in shaming behavior—punishing you with my anger—believing you were the perpetrator and I was the victim," he says. His work with the ManKind Project has changed his ability to respond. "Now I can contain my anger, bring it somewhere else, maybe to my men's circle, and sit and talk about what needs to happen. That, for me, is emotional literacy."
You Stop Buying into Media Messages.
Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D., physician and author of Making Peace With Your Past: The Six Essential Steps to Enjoying a Great Future, says "We all live in a hierarchy of competition and comparison; we are never smart enough, successful enough, handsome enough. We hold on to painful fantasies of our sexual and romantic histories. We judge ourselves, and the media reinforces it, causing a deep sense of unworthiness. And it's all an illusion. The truth is, each of us is a child of the universe, and we can make our way through the cultural conditioning and discover a new passion for living."
The dominant cultural story for American men is that of competition. "Men are taught not to share—that's vulnerability," notes Buck. "For women, it's the issue of accommodating others, of always being the caretaker. If you want to stop a conversation, ask a woman what she wants, and ask a man what he needs," says Buck.
Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" and editor of Health Wisdom for Women, maintains that cultural and media messages often set unhealthy ideals. The impossibly thin image of a model, who looks more like a "prepubescent boy with breasts" than anyone we know, would be so unreal as to be almost laughable, if we didn't take it so seriously.
You Become Aware of Your "Narratives,"
timeworn scripts that may be guiding you to repeat past actions, even if they are counterproductive or painful. Do any of these narratives ring true for you?
* "I'm not good enough."
* "I'm not smart/pretty/handsome/tall/thin enough."
* "I screwed up again! I can't do anything right."
* "I know my schedule is busy, but when I'm alone, I feel depressed."
* "Men need to be strong at all times and never reveal their weakness."
* "If I don't risk being vulnerable, at least I won't get hurt again..."
The common narrative, "I'm a bad person," is rooted in shame, which leads to sham—"when our outer presentation doesn't match our inner feelings," notes Bloomfield. To recapture joy, we must "let go of the slow drip of guilt and regret...the pain of punishment." His advice: Make a list of "if onlys" or "what ifs," then release them, recognizing that "This is the nature of the universe—to regenerate the ashes of the Phoenix."
You Acquire the Capacity to Shift Your Mood.
Many people seem to be "possessed" by their mood. Once you have done some "emotional reconstruction" and have gained a new sense of awareness in action, you may discover that you are less prone to mood swings. You can enhance your progress through deep breathing, meditation and prayer.
Bloomfield wants us to "turn on the light" by tapping into our "quintessential peace. Start by finding the deep peace, then embark on the journey." His vision for us is to move beyond fight-or-flight to a place he calls "stay and play." Meditation is an age-old tool for experiencing quintessential peace. "There is a great deal of haphazard advice in the marketplace," he cautions. "I urge people to find a qualified instructor rather than trying to learn from a book or tape."
Emotional health has long been undervalued in our "continuing education" as human beings. Historically, there has been no "owner's manual" for emotional literacy. It can only benefit every one of us to know that its value is rapidly being recognized in our society.
Could You Benefit from Emotional Coaching?
Would you benefit from coaching or a group study course? If you answer "True" to three or more of the statements below, emotional coaching might be of benefit to you.
1. I sense that I could be happier or more successful than I am now.
2. I sometimes feel that life is passing me by.
3. I find myself repeating old mistakes, suffering frequent setbacks or "bad luck," or reliving/remaining in unhealthy relationships with significant others or authority figures.
4. I often think about or talk about unfortunate experiences in the past (for example, losses, missed opportunities, choices made, handicaps, etc.)
5. I experienced a lot of pain as a child or adolescent, or I cannot recall much from that period in my life.
6. I experience outbursts of anger if I get frustrated by other people, inanimate objects, pets, children, or when I accidentally hurt myself.
7. I sometimes feel that I am not safe to express my emotions to others.
8. I would like my relationships with family, friends, coworkers or neighbors to be closer, more harmonious, positive and/or productive.
9. I am ready to take responsibility for my future and realize a significant next step in my personal and professional growth.
Source: Center for Creative Living, www.lightly.com
Back to the Top
Dealing with Difficult People - Racine Journal Times
Are you a difficult person?
BY JEFF WILFORD, Journal Times, 9/30/02
You want to talk about difficult people? Sandy Greil knows difficult people.
Be it the machine operators who ignore her quality control suggestions at the factory where she works; or the people who jostle her for position, cut in front of her or bump into her at the grocery store where she shops; or the customer who angrily throws down a bag of beans at the vegetable stand she runs in Waterford because they're more expensive than when he bought them a day before, Greil is confronted with difficult people all the time.
All Greil, 37, of Waterford, can do is grit her teeth, bite her tongue and wish them a good day, then wonder what made them so difficult to begin with.
"I don't think most people are like that all the time. I hope not," Greil says. "I don't know. I probably can be difficult myself at times."
Can't we all?
Experts say yes.
As frustrating as it may be for you to deal with someone who's difficult, and as often as you may wish they would just lighten up, chances are you, too, are difficult. Maybe not all of the time, but some of the time. Maybe not to everybody, but to somebody. And, experts agree, many people may not realize they are actually being difficult. Some of them might not even care.
Let's take a look at what it means to be difficult.
"There are people who are rude," says Garry Libster, a Racine psychologist. "There are people who are insensitive. There are people who put their needs above everybody else's. There are people who are unliked."
Add to that list: Hotheads with short fuses, people who try to blame others for their own mistakes, people who try to take credit for somebody else's ideas, people who don't listen, people who talk too much, people who volunteer for extra work and then complain about it. Add to that list just about any characteristic or behavior that irritates you.
Because assigning the label "difficult" to a person is a very subjective thing, Libster says. One person may think you're rude, another may think you're unfailingly polite. Somebody's sweetheart is somebody else's jerk.
Vincent Van Gogh was a brilliant artist, but was considered difficult. Thomas Jefferson is revered as one of our country's founding fathers, but was probably a difficult person to King George III of England. And Ralph Nader may be the consummate consumer watchdog, but corporate America might find his style a bit, well, difficult.
"My personal perception is the people we tend to title as difficult are the people who are on the edge of the norm, on either edge of the norm," says Patricia Clason, director of the Center for Creative Learning in Milwaukee, and the teacher of "Dealing with Difficult People" seminars.
For instance, people in the Midwest expect core pleasantries, Clason says. They're not overly friendly, but they're not rude. They're cooperative. Someone who exhibits Southern hospitality, or New York brusqueness, or the laid-back Southern California style, would be "on the edge of the norm."
"It's the expectation that people are supposed to do it the way we do," Clason says.
People can be difficult for any number of reasons. Maybe they're having problems at home or at work. Maybe they got up on the wrong side of bed. Maybe they're even too happy.
"There are some people who don't like to be around really happy people because it reminds them of how miserable they are," Clason says. "They always poke at them: 'What's wrong with them? They're always smiling.' "
Clason offers a somewhat scientific explanation.
The first factor is something she calls the Fundamental Attribution Bias. This means that, when you interact with somebody else, you almost immediately assign a motive and intention to that person, based on your mood, your personal experiences and how you perceive the other person.
"As human beings, we tend to communicate and process information ... by our unique personal perspective and through our life history and experience filters ... so we are never completely objective," Clason says. "That's just how brains and beings process information."
We can thank our Reticular Activation System for that, Clason says. The RAS is a part of the brain that used to play an important role for ancient man -- it catalogued negative experiences and used them as a reference for other dangerous, or potentially dangerous, situations.
Mankind has since outgrown the RAS, Clason says, but the RAS is still there, cataloguing and keeping vigil. Instead of warning us away from poison berries, however, it now alerts us to people who remind us of our jerk boss.
It's not a problem finding advice on how to deal with difficult people. The subject has given birth to a whole cottage industry of books, articles and seminars. But all of that advice deals with ways you can adjust to difficult people. Can't difficult people, if they're so inclined, do something to modify their own behavior?
"They can start by listening and paying attention; being aware of what's happening in their interactions with people around them," says Rosanne K. Poe, a psychologist in Burlington and Racine.
"It takes some feedback for a difficult person to be able to change," Poe says. "It usually happens from the outside to the inside."
For that to happen, people can either offer their opinion -- "You're being really difficult today." -- or solicit an opinion -- "Am I being difficult?"
The latter rarely happens. It's too confrontational and people aren't generally comforting asking for -- or giving -- that kind of opinion, Libster says.
"I find it interesting that people described as difficult don't seek out that information," Libster says. "Maybe that's what makes them that way."
People can also take an introspective moment and look for the characteristics that might be causing them problems -- sort of a self-test for being difficult.
"I know," says Sandy Greil. "The biggest time I'm in a difficult mood is when I get up late and I feel like I'm rushed all day."
But even knowing what makes you difficult doesn't mean you will change. People usually need a compelling reason to change.
Human beings, by nature, are loathe to change, Clason says. "We'd rather move along status quo, which is why difficult people, the ones most of use would probably call difficult, are probably going to stay difficult."
Being difficult isn't always a bad thing, Libster says. Look at it this way: If people consider you difficult, take pride in knowing you may be filling a vital role in social development.
"If there were not persons who were difficult in certain ways, we would be condemned to social stagnation," Libster says. "We would be content; comfortable."
Back to the Top
Handling Holiday Stress - Catholic Herald 12/2002
Here's to a peace-filled Christmas season
Experience the holiday with childlike wonder, not adult-induced stress
Lisa Holewa
Special to Parenting
Home Base
It used to be so simple. The kids would mark up the Sears Toy Book catalog, carefully cross-referencing their lists to Santa Claus with the exact page number and catalog order number of each request. The parents would somehow buy and wrap the gifts, prepare the feast and voila, everyone had a merry Christmas.
photo of child looking out frosted window
So what changed?
Well, the biggest thing probably is now we're the parents -- and everything looks a lot more complicated from this end. There's a bit more pressure when you're the one orchestrating the holiday rather than simply sitting back and taking it all for granted.
And it seems, too, that there's a lot more to orchestrate.
Do we really want our kids spending hours sitting with the Toys R Us newspaper flier, becoming needier and greedier with every turn of the page? Shouldn't we be emphasizing the simpler joys of Christmas, coupled with a spirit of compassion and giving?
How do we best convey the importance of family -- by creating our own holiday traditions with Mass and a family meal, or by joining the feast at our parents' house and then heading across town to meet our in-laws for Christmas Mass?
And most important, how do we convey to our children the true meaning of the season, especially when we can barely figure out the simple logistics of it all?
Welcome to the season of peace, joy
Welcome to the holiday season, season of peace and joy. Or perhaps more accurately, guilt, stress and, if we're totally honest, perhaps even the tiniest little noodge of resentment.
"Why doesn't he do this? Why can't she help with that? Don't they appreciate me and everything I'm doing? These types of 'victim' thoughts are usually a pretty good sign that something is up, we're under a little too much stress and we need to do something differently," explained Patricia Clason, director of the Center for Creative Learning.
Clason, a member of SS. Peter and Paul Parish, presents seminars this time of year on handling holiday stress.
"Thoughts like: 'I feel so tired,' 'I'm not having any fun,' or any kind of 'What about me?' thoughts are also an indication that we're not taking care of ourselves, we've let things get out of whack. They're a sign that it's time to stop, slow down, look at what's going on."
Stop. Slow down. Look at what's going on.
Many parishes offer handouts and workshops on reclaiming the meaning of the season. Take advantage of them. Talk to your children's religious education teachers about ways they've found to convey the spirit of the holiday.
That's easy enough to say. But the reality is: someone does have to buy all those gifts. Someone has to hide them and wrap them and get them under the beautifully-decorated Christmas tree. Someone has to bake the cookies and plan the holiday meal. Someone has to make this all happen without blowing the year's budget.
And someone really should coordinate volunteer projects so the kids understand the spirit of the holiday. Someone has to balance the getting with the giving. And now that someone has to slow down and bring some peace to the season, too? That's not fair.
No, but it's true. And it's not impossible. And really, it will make the season happier for everyone, that someone included.
Force yourself to step back
"You do need at some point to force yourself to take a step back," Clason explained. "When you're in the middle of it, the best and most important thing to do is stop and take a deep breath. Then look at it in the here and now. When you get angry or resentful about some little thing, ask yourself: 'If I didn't have all this stress, would this particular thing be bothering me now?'
"Nine times out of 10, the answer will be no. If I find myself resenting doing something, at that moment I need to stop and say: 'If I weren't carrying all this weight on my shoulders, would I still be angry or would I want to be doing this?' Be in the here and now. Make a choice. Realize that what you're doing at that moment is a choice, and you could choose differently. Bring yourself into the present moment."
Balance spiritual, commercial sides of holiday
And once you take that step back, it's important to realize you're not in this alone. Yes, it's difficult finding ways to balance the spiritual aspects of holiday with the gimme spirit of the commercial side. Yes, it's hard finding ways to explain Jesus to preschoolers who just want to talk about toys. And yes, it seems impossible at times to find any peace or joy in the season that brings with it so much pressure and responsibility.
But, fortunately for us, others have found ways to make it happen -- or at least come close. And many of them have shared their secrets in the form of many, many resources available for easing holiday stress. You don't have to reinvent this wheel. Take advantage of available resources, including the Web sites listed on this page [print edition only].
In addition, many parishes offer handouts and workshops on reclaiming the meaning of the season. Take advantage of them. Talk to your children's religious education teachers about ways they've found to convey the spirit of the holiday. And rather than dealing with the stress of trying to explain the Christmas story yourself, look into some of the Christmas books available on tape; your family can sit quietly together listening to them one evening when everyone needs a break.
And, perhaps most importantly, realize that none of this is going to happen if you don't take care of yourself.
"During the holiday time, it becomes even more crucial to have 'Be still' time, 'Talk to God' time, quiet time with the family," Clason says.
Now, just how do you prevent "Taking care of myself" from becoming one more thing to worry about on your endless holiday to-do list? That could be tricky. But generally, the same simple rules that apply to day-to-day living also apply here.
Lists take the stress off your memory
For starters, Clason advises that you keep lists.
"Our brains are extremely capable and have this amazing potential," she says. "But the fact is, our brains function very much like a computer -- both have a limited amount of random access memory. If you're using up all your memory on remembering these tasks, there's nothing available for creativity."
So just write it down, in whatever format works best for you.
Next, adopt healthy eating habits -- or at least give it a shot. After all, you'll probably be making a New Year's resolution to eat healthier and take better care of your body, so why not start now, when doing so can alleviate some of the holiday stress. Be aware of what you're eating and how it might affect your moods. And don't forget to drink plenty of water.
Thirdly -- and this one isn't fun, either -- set a budget and stick to it. You know it's important. And there are plenty of suggestions out there for making it happen. For instance, you can put everyone's allotted dollar amount into a separate envelope so that before you can overspend on one person's gift, you have to decide whose envelope to tear open and raid for the extra.
And when it comes to gift-giving, Clason recommends diverting the focus from the dollar value of gifts.
"If we tell our kids: 'Write down all the things you want for Christmas. Make a list for Santa Claus,' at some level, we're setting up the expectation they're going to get all that. We're encouraging this expectation and setting them up for disappointment," she said.
Focus on gifts from the heart
"Don't do it. Focus not on people's wish lists, but on gifts from the heart."
In the future, you might want to consider shopping for Christmas all year long. When you find a gift that says 'This is you,' you can buy it and drop it into a box or closet designated for that purpose. Such a system also takes some of the financial stress out of the season, Clason said.
Finally, when it comes to family, Clason says there are dysfunctional ones. And if yours is one of them, it's OK not to visit them at all.
"It's important to give yourself that permission," she said. "And if you do go, if you choose to be in an environment that's stressful, prepare yourself. Get enough sleep. You do not want to be hungry, lonely, angry or tired, because if you are it's just going to be more difficult. On the other hand, if you are in a resourceful place, you won't automatically turn into your 5-year-old self the minute you walk into the door."
Even if your family isn't seriously dysfunctional but just the normal garden variety kind, it still doesn't hurt to go into the celebrations well-rested and fed.
Stop. Slow down. Look at what's going on.
But most of all, remember: It's Christmas. And that gives us all permission to be a little bit of a kid again. So go out there and have some fun.
Back to the Top
Download Adobe
Back to the Reference Desk
){kind=link}
){kind=link}